Dissatisfaction in desperate exhaustion

So it was the first day back today and even though I just had a long break, I can’t wait for the weekend. I’m exhausted, but not at the same time. It’s not really a physical tiredness, but a mental one, which for me can be worse. I wanted to get some alone time in today, but finding such a thing is hard. Although I could have braved the rain, but I wasn’t feeling that… horrible. I’ve been reverting back to old habits, but I also think it’s escalating, which to the outside, i.e. you the reader of this blog, I don’t think this means anything to you. I don’t even think this would mean anything to the people that have called themselves my friends for the past 6 years or so.

I’m getting a little desperate, because my usual method isn’t working the way it should and that could be bad for me and the people around me.

Recently I found an irregularity on my bank statement, so I had to call the bank and try and get it sorted out, for now their getting me the money back and sending me a new card, so I wouldn’t be able to spend much, only the £35 that I have out, well actually it was money sent from the relatives, but I think I might just try and not spend that, as I used up the New Look gift card that I was given today in the sale, I thought that was the best way to do it, because I would be getting more for my money and all that jazz. It was good I got this money box, that was filled with lollipops and a dress and a jumper/top, I say jumper/top, because it’s quite thin and can’t really be worn as a proper jumper. I also helped my friend pick out some jumpers for himself. He’s been trying something new, as he got his hair cut and shaved his beard for the new year, so he wants to get some new clothes.

I think maybe the reason why I’m so tired, although I didn’t get too much sleep last night, could be because of jealousy. It’s one of those little emotions that people want to pretend that they don’t have, because it makes them look weak or crazy or something that they don’t think people want from them, but it’s human nature and you going to have a hell of a hard time, running from your genes. I think it makes sense though, we see someone with something more than what we have and we want that thing, so putting it in more cavemen terms, we see a person with fire and we want fire, we see a person with a bigger rock than ourselves and we want that or at least a bigger rock, it’s a survival pattern, we are never truly satisfied with what we have although we can be content, but I believe that a whole other story to be truly satisfied.


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