So I’m off to see my cousins tomorrow and although I get along great with them and it’s good to see them and all. I’m not looking forward to going. I don’t want to go. I’m on the edge of a new idea and I feel like if I leave it now, when I come back to it, I’m not going to like it any more and not be able to do it justice. Right now I have everything working overtime to try and work out the plot and a new environment and stimulus is exactly what I don’t need. I suppose the people around me – i.e. my family – don’t get that this is important to me and so think my reasons are trivial and unreasonable and what not, but this is important to me and right now I’m considering pulling an all nighter to try and get at least a little of it done, but I think I won’t do very well, because I’m quite tired now and I think it’ll probably turn out horrible, because half my mind will be on tomorrows events and what not and not the thing at hand. I want this one to be good, no great. I want it to be my first – novel – masterpiece, in a long line of them, but if that will actually happen, well I’ll just have to wait and see.
But I’m meant to be packing right now and I’m putting it off, because I don’t want to pack, due to the fact that I don’t want to go, but I know that my family will just guilt trip me into going in the end and I will feel bad if I don’t go and see them, since I only really get to see them once and year at this time of year. I suppose I really should be less selfish and just go.
But I said I was going to be a bit more selfish. I want to achieve my goals and I won’t be able to do that if I spend all my time thinking about others feelings and wants, need and desires. Although I still find myself weighing these things up when I make decisions these days.
I don’t know I’ll probably feel horrible the entire time there, because I’m missing this chance, but I’ll probably feel horrible if I don’t go, because I’m missing the chance to see everyone. Plus I’ll probably end up spending new years alone, if I don’t go and that’s just depressing.