I’m leaving you all…

I’m leaving.

Not today and maybe not this weekend, but in the near future. I’m going. Maybe over the new year. New year, new me, sort of thing. But whenever I finally pluck up the courage to go, I want to be ready, so I’m starting my research now. I want it to be some place beautiful and even though I won’t be staying long I want it to inspire me. I’ve been feeling slightly grey lately and that is one of my worse feelings. It’s like there’s something blocking what usually makes me tick… or something like that. I want to find my creativity and again and get back to that, because I don’t want to miss the days when I could and look back on them during the days when I can’t.

Life is short when you’re young, but I’m old enough to realise that we don’t have enough time to do everything we want to, if we just sit back and wait for it to come to us. We have to stand up and run to it.

Maybe it’s because lately I’ve been thinking more and more about my future and dreading not achieving the things I dream of doing. I’m don’t think that I can do the things I want to do and no matter how many back up plans I make I still feel insecure in my choices and the path I have chosen to take. I want to believe in myself, but all the signs around me are point me off of the path I want to go down. I want to be happy, just like any other person. But I also want to live forever, just like any other person as well and since I’m not sure in my ability I don’t think this is going to happen. And when I say ‘live forever’ I don’t mean in the way that most people think. I don’t mean like… a vampire or something immortal like that. I want to be immortal like well… Hitler, but not for the reasons that he is. Maybe Shakespeare would be a better example, since I want to write.

I want to inspire people and help them and give people a reason to carry on. Take the weight off of their shoulders and be the one that makes them feel like, maybe everything is actually going to be alright.

I want to travel the world and see all the beautiful thing and eat exotic food and laugh and sing strange songs. I want to wander aimlessly, but be carefree about it and not worry about things like ‘how I’m going to get home’ or ‘how I’m going to afford to eat that day’ or ‘where I’m going to sleep’.

I want to live my life as fully as possible, but I know that I’m holding myself back, by worrying. Although maybe that’s a good thing, I would probably be dead by now, if I wasn’t a person that worried so much.


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