Unknown contradictions of air

Life is hard. We fill it with things, people, ideas, art, love, drugs, sex, whatever just to pretend that it is something beautiful, something magical. But it’s not. Life sucks and we all understand that, but what other option do we have but to life? We all struggle through life the best way we know how, some of us learn to manipulate others to make our lives better, others find ways to see joy in helpfulness, but whatever it is, we’re just joking with ourselves. An ounce of relief until the drama starts again. But then we all wonder, maybe hope that at the end of this shit storm there a pot of gold, because we spent forever chasing that rainbow and finally the end is in sight, but we have no idea if that pot of gold, is a fairy story or not, it’s the last inch of hope that we have left. The last step of humanity.

Alright so today I’m feeling particularly suicidal, not really for any particular reason, I mean nothing truly horrible has happen today. So maybe it’s the absense of horrible that is making me feel this way, but whatever it is I am. I was trying to work out an outfit for my friends decades party, but I’m still not sure. I’ve been thinking of going as the 80’s, but mixing punk with pearls – if you get what I mean? – because I’m still not sure what trend out of the 80’s would look good on me and I want to look good, at least think I look good. Because if you think you’re pretty than you become pretty.

You know what they say about people who have gone through great sadness are always more beautiful afterwards, I wish I could say that about myself, I think I’m a lot less beautiful now than I was maybe 10 or so years ago and those were the days I wish had never ended. Maybe at the time they weren’t special, but now they’re the memories I can never let myself forget, no matter what happens, they remind me that sometimes life a bitch, but there can always be a silver lining found, contrary to my opening statement.

But sometimes I do feel like I’ve spent so much time worrying about what not and to say that I end up not knowing which ones which and hurting people, or myself. There are some things that just shouldn’t be said, but there are others that can be. Like you can tell someone when they’re just being a stupid bitch, but you probably shouldn’t say ‘you’re being a stupid bitch’ unless you want to hurt them and in this case that wouldn’t be what I was going for, but then spending the time thinking about what to say is so tiring, so I end up saying nothing and getting more and more annoyed at them, until I vomit out something else that maybe unrelated, but in the same genre and completely worse and so hurting them more than if I had just said the first thing that came to mind. And until I do end up vomiting I feel like I’m suffocating and it seems that I get more ‘panic attacks‘ as I call them, although I don’t quite think that’s what they are, just something similar, although they did make a panic when they first started, now I’m getting surprisingly used to them.

Life’s a game, but it’s not fair. I break the rules, so I don’t care – Unknow

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